


Kiss Kiss

by GuiltyRed



Category: Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Crack, Gen, Mom - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-28
Updated: 2009-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-05 10:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/40478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GuiltyRed/pseuds/GuiltyRed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kadaj loves his mother, but...damn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Kiss Kiss  
> Author: GuiltyRed  
> Rating: PG13  
> Warnings: crack and momness  
> Word count: ~1000  
> Prompt: Phone calls from Mommy Dearest - *sigh* Hello, Mother....  
> Summary: Kadaj loves his mother, but…damn.

The three had come from nothing into sudden existence, wondering at their physical forms (and in the case of Loz and Yazuu, exploring various athletic variations together and in solo), and generally getting accustomed to “being” while waiting for “something” to happen. For many days, they simply “were,” guarded by ancient waters and watchful trees.

One day, to cover their nakedness and prepare them for battle, leather armor formed around them.

And in the pocket of Yazuu’s coat, something new made a sound.

Yazuu looked from one brother to the other, then investigated the noise. A small box that fit neatly in his palm repeated its musical demand. Seeing a hinge, Yazuu flipped it open.

“Hello? Which one did I get?”

Yazuu stared at the gadget from which issued a loud female voice. “Which one what?” he said vaguely in the direction of the thing.

“Don’t you be snotty with ME, young man! It’s Yazuu, right? The middle child?”

Yazuu bristled, though he wasn’t quite sure _why_. “Yes.”

“Did Kadaj arrive safely? I had to use a cut-rate service to afford tickets for the lot of you, should really have sent Loz freight, come to think of it – but as I was saying, did your little brother get there yet?”

Yazuu glared at Kadaj, who stood, open-mouthed, regarding the device as though it were some kind of insect. “Yes, Kadaj is here.”

“All right, tell him Mother loves him best and he has to eat his peas. I don’t care what he likes, he’s never tried them, he needs to eat them to grow big and strong like – well, you’ll find out.” The voice fairly oozed satisfaction, falling into a smug silence that nevertheless seemed quite loud.

“What did she say about me?” Loz whispered, feeling somehow slighted.

“She called you baggage. And I DON’T like peas,” Kadaj replied through a pout. “…what _is_ peas, anyway?”

“Yazuu,” the voice said suddenly, causing said remnant to nearly drop the phone in shock, “you’re supposed to be the charismatic one. Make him eat his peas. Promise Mother?”

Yazuu shot Kadaj a glower that was pure poison. “He’ll eat it if I have to pin him down and shove it down his throat.”

“What?!??” Kadaj blurted, rounding on Yazuu. “You pervert!”

“Did he touch you, precious?” Mother’s voice grew louder, likely to ensure that Kadaj heard her himself. “Loz! Where are you?”

“I’m here!” Loz squeaked, his voice catching between two distinct octaves.

“I don’t want your baby brother distracted from his purpose. You keep Yazuu busy, so he stops touching Kadaj.”

Loz and Yazuu exchanged a look. “…okaaaaay…” Loz replied. “Should we do that now?”

The voice sighed. “Hand the phone to Kadaj, please, Yazuu, then run off and play like a good boy.”

Yazuu glared at the…_phone_. Yes, that was the name of it: a phone. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Don’t argue with your mother.”

* * * * *

_Three hours later…_

Kadaj sat on the rough ground, feet flat and knees up, head hanging listlessly between his knees and a thin line of drool trailing from his lower lip. His left arm dangled limply over a knee; the phone, lightly clutched in near-lifeless fingers, continued to emit a litany of instruction in that imperious female voice.

“…now, when you get there, find Rufus Shinra and give him a piece of my mind! Hell, he’s going to try to get my head anyway, right? Right, honey?”

“…right, Mother…”

“Of course I’m right. You find him and you tell him what a dirty, rotten, nasty little man he is, and I hope my cells rot him from the inside! The things his father did to my son…”

Kadaj pondered the logistics of this, debated asking, thought better of it.

“…well, SOMEONE should have to pay! It may as well be him. Isn’t that right, dearest?”

“…right, Mother…”

“Besides, it’s not like I can take anything out on those other SOLDIERs, they’re all dead anyway, miserable bastards, leaving my son all alone to face down that corrupt electric empire all by himself. But if I could, I’d give them hell, especially that Genesis fellow – quoting ‘Loveless’ at me…at _me_, of all people! He has no idea that the stupid story was written because I was eating the Cetra and no one knew how to stop me. I should find him and send him that last chapter…that’d be fun, but too much trouble, really. Oh, listen to me go on and on like an old gossip! How are you, dear? How was your trip? And your brothers, are they behaving themselves? Do you have enough to eat?”

Kadaj roused with a snort, sucking back the saliva and nearly choking on it. “Fine! I’m fine, Mother, really. Honest! And…” He glanced toward the trees, the last place he’d seen his brothers. Now that the voice on the phone was momentarily, blessedly silent, he could hear the faint but distinct sounds of well-paced buggery. “They’re fine too, Mom. I…do we even have to eat? I don’t think I’ve done that yet…”

“Oh, right, silly me, what was I thinking? No, you don’t have to eat.”

“…so, no peas?”

“No peas, sweetie.”

The phone gave a pathetic little chirp. A tiny red light flashed on the display.

“Oh, for Pete’s sake – the battery’s going out. Tell you what, baby, leave the phone near some materia and it’ll recharge. We’ll talk later. Be good, now, Mommy has to hang up. Kiss kiss!”

Kadaj barely managed to keep the joy from his voice as he said, “Okay, I will.”

The line went dead.

For one delirious moment he considered chucking the phone into the water – then he smiled as a darker impulse came over him. Walking no louder than a ghost, he made his way through the trees to where his brothers were still going at it like rabbits. He found Yazuu’s coat, then stuffed the phone back into the pocket from whence it had first come.

With any luck, the next time it rang he’d be out of earshot before Yazuu even knew he was gone…


End file.
